BREAKING: NORTH POLE MELTDOWN! Sarah Palin & Santa Claus Form “Deplorable List” Ticket, Announce Batshit Congressional Bid in Alaska

Once upon a time,

Sarah Palin and Santa Claus file to run for Congress from Alaska

BREAKING: NORTH POLE MELTDOWN! Sarah Palin & Santa Claus Form “Deplorable List” Ticket, Announce Batshit Congressional Bid in Alaska

In a move that has political pundits, children, and basic fucking sanity weeping, former Alaska Governor and perpetual reality TV ghost Sarah Palin has officially filed to run for Alaska’s lone congressional seat. Her running mate? None other than Santa Claus, the jolly old elf himself, who claims legal residency in a “workshop-district” just outside of Nome.

Yeah, a dude who years ago legally changed his name to Santa Claus and serves on the North Pole city council also filed for the special primary. Claus, who said he has a “strong affinity” for Bernie Sanders, is running as an independent.

He said he is not soliciting or raising money. He said the new elections process “gives people like me an opportunity, without having to deal with parties, to throw our hat in the ring.”

“I do have name recognition,” he said with a laugh… More

The announcement, made via a joint video on Palin’s “Rogue Righteousness” Substack, shows Palin in front of a map of Russia and Santa beside a suspiciously clean igloo. “The elites in Washington, the fake news, and the woke Grinches who want to cancel Christmas and energy independence—they can all go to hell,” Palin declared, winking. “We’re taking the fight from the tundra to the swamp, and we’re gonna deck the halls with their fucking careers.”

Santa, adjusting his hat over his wireless headset, added, “Ho ho ho… let’s see Pelosi try to put this on her naughty list. For too long, hard-working elves and energy innovators have been burdened by regulations on toy safety, reindeer emissions, and critical race theory in The Nutcracker. It’s time for a Christmas miracle.”

THE SCANDALOUS, VILE, AND ABSURD PLATFORM:

Their platform, dubbed “The Deplorable List,” is a terrifying mix of far-right conspiracy and magical thinking:

Energy Policy: “Drill, Baby, Drill… at the North Pole!” The ticket promises to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) to “festive resource extraction,” claiming Santa’s sleigh runs on “freedom fuel” (unrefined crude oil) and that Rudolph’s nose is a clean-coal technology. Linked Source: U.S. Energy Info. Admin. on Arctic reserves
Election Integrity: Santa vows to use his “all-seeing, all-knowing” Naughty & Nice list as the sole voter roll. “No more fraud!” he boomed. “If you’ve ever lied about liking a fruitcake, voted Democrat, or questioned the aerodynamic viability of my sleigh, you’re off the list. It’s fucking airtight.” Palin nodded vigorously, citing a debunked chart about sleigh-load anomalies in Wasilla precincts. [Linked Photo: A Photoshopped graph of “Sleigh Ballot Dumps” from 2020]
Foreign Policy: Palin reiterated her legendary expertise, staring intently at the horizon. “I can see Russia from my porch… and so can Santa. We’ll put Putin on the naughty list so fast his head will spin. We’re sending a carrier group of elf-powered attack sleighs to the Baltic. It’ll be a shock-and-awe spectacle of festive liberation.”

THE SHOCKING, JUICY BACKSTORY:

Sources close to the campaign—a drunken elf found sobbing in an Anchorage bar—reveal the partnership formed after Palin’s son, Track, got into a vile, resentful fistfight with the Grinch over a snowmobile. Santa allegedly mediated, and the two bonded over a shared hatred of the “mainstream media’s war on Christmas” and a mutual love of insider trading.

Yes, insider trading. It’s alleged that Palin tipped off Santa about a looming shortage of lithium (for elves’ iPads) and microchips for “smart toys,” allowing the Claus family trust to short the market. In return, Santa’s workshop provided Palin with a scandalous amount of unreported, off-the-books campaign swag: “I Can See Russia From My House” novelty glasses and “Let’s Go Brandon” talking dolls that say “Ho ho ho, fuck Joe Biden” when you pull the string. [Linked Video: Glitchy cell phone footage of the alleged fistfight]

THE INFURIATING CULTURAL WAR:

The response has been electrically controversial. The ACLU immediately filed a suit questioning Santa’s citizenship and the constitutionality of governing by a magical list. Liberals are apoplectic, calling the ticket “a dangerous fusion of QAnon and Rankin/Bass fantasy.”

But the base is rapturously devoted. At a rally in Fairbanks, one supporter, wearing a tinfoil hat shaped like a Christmas star, told us, “They get it. They know the real America is about God, guns, and getting free shit once a year without accountability. The other guys are just a bunch of pussy globalist communists who want to replace our stockings with equity audits.”

THE STRANGE, SCARY REALITY:

Perhaps the most chilling, absurd detail? Polling shows them competitive. In a state known for its independent streak and appetite for political theater, a shocking new poll from the “North Pole Strategies” firm (motto: “We Poll the Silent Night Majority”) has the Palin-Claus ticket within the margin of error, riding a wave of resentful anti-incumbent sentiment and a promise of “presents for all patriots, coal for all RINOs.”

ONE LAST THING…

Rumors are swirling that their first act in Congress would be to subpoena Rudolph to testify about the “deep state” within the Reindeer Games oversight committee. It’s a circus. A terrifying, hilarious, democracy-threatening circus where the clowns are armed with talking points and the ringmaster lives in a magical toy shop.

BOTTOM LINE: America’s political system has officially jumped the shark, ridden it over a waterfall, and landed in a fucking snowbank of stupid. Alaska, you have a choice: send a competent legislator to Washington, or send a delusional quitter and a mythical gift-giver who thinks the filibuster is a new kind of cookie. God help us all.

As a result,