Miley Cyrus Is A Topless Twerking Tongue Wagging Video Vixen

It’s a lovely life when you spend most of your day googling celebrities and trolling gossip sites for the latest news. Not even kidding, it beats trolling Facebook wondering why so-and-so deleted you and why so-and-so won’t accept your friend request and stalking all the people with babies. Babies, so many babies.
Meanwhile, my ovaries are drying up, I’m binge watching Girls, and keeping up with the antics of a rich 20 year-old.
So, you know, Miley was dating that hunk Liam Hemsworth (who seems to be part of a group of I don’t know how many hot and actor type brothers). Actually, they were engaged. You may remember him from The Hunger Games. Were engaged, because they split-up. And now Miley is reportedly dating Mike Will Made It; a guy I thought was her music producer and also super old. But I was wrong, about the super old part. He’s barely 24 years-old.
Mike Will Made It did, however, write the tune “We Can’t Stop” for Miley, as well as produce her latest and/or up-coming album Bangerz. The two have been spotted together lots lately and then there’s this Terry Richardson pic, which is just fueling the rumor mill, cause Miley is in her Wrecking Ball outfit, which was directed by Terry, so why is Mike there sort of thing?

All of which I’m assuming none of you care about, but hey, at least you’ll have something to add to the conversation the next time you’re talking to a 14 year-old. Oh and where was I heading with all of this?!
Oh yeah, Mike WiLL Made It is coming out with his own album after producing some really popular shit for other people and the video for 23 just came out. A video I originally though was another Miley single, but no it’s a Mike Will Made It track featuring Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, and Juicy J.
It’s a really catchy tune, it’s not my jam, but it’s freakin’ catchy as hell, and Miley is being Miley with the sexy outfits – a Chicago Bulls 23 jersey/bikini which is Mike Jordan’s number, obvs – the bad girl smoking in the bathroom badness, the twerking, the big foam finger, and the tongue wagging. So, you know, another VMA performance, only this time it’s not super awkward because there’s no Robin Thicke. And holy shit, how did she get up on that hoop?!
Yup, so there’s that whole thing, oh and then there’s the Rolling Stones cover where Miley is being Miley again and she’s licking stuff and being topless while looking super sincere with big blue eyes and sadness and introspection and whatnot. And there are more pictures where she’s topless again, but covered, and I’m left marveling at how tiny she is, because oh my god she can cover her chest with one hand. One hand. One. hand.
And, so, yeah, after watching all this and compiling all the Miley data – the controversy, the scandal, the money making booty, the appropriation – I’m starting to have a whole new understanding of what Jay Z meant when he said that Miley was an old world’s worse nightmare. I get it now Jay Z and you are wise.
It’s all coming together now. The tongue, ’cause she’s wagging her tongue like Jordan. And the foam finger, ’cause she’s at a Bulls game… like all the time. Metaphorically. The appropriation, ’cause I’ve lost track of who is appropriating who now. It’s all meta, there are so many levels to all this shit. Think about it, when Jordan was at the height of his fame, the late ’80s and the early ’90s, there’s no way you could produce a video like this. No way in hell.
Three hip-hop stars taking over high school with an overly sexualized 20 year-old white rich country chick?! Ha, that’s an old world’s worse nightmare right there.
Bam, new sexy video: