Does She Secretly Hate Your Fetish?
You think sheâs an anal sex fan, but she might just be grinning and bearing
Cassandra Peterson AKA Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark
by
âWhat are you doing?â I asked, stunned.
âIâm trying to have sex with your butt,â he said, with no condom and no lube, like I was going to enjoy that.
Men often ask, âWhat do women want?â But often times they forget to ask, âWhat do women not want?â
Fetishes can take many forms: It might be an obsession with a body part, such as the booty, breasts, armpits, or feet.
Or it might be something like anal sex, which always sounds like a great idea in theory. But in practice, itâs a little more complicated.
So how do you get someone to share your fetish? In the world of BDSM (thatâs an abbreviation for Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism)âwhere people do extreme stuff like suspend each other on giant crosses, use gag balls and gas masksâeverything is negotiated in advance.
At the hardcore fetish porn movie studio kink.com, the actors know exactly whatâs coming, because everything that happens in a sex scene is detailed in a script. The performers even have to consent to everything in writing.
There are no âsurprise drunken analsâ in BDSM porn.
If youâd like to experiment with something in the bedroom other than what sheâs already accustomed to, always discuss it beforehand.
Sexologist Dr. Ava Cadell Ph.D., of sexpert.com, says that lovers âshould take five 3-by-5 cards and each write out five sexual fantasies or fetishes they would love to try. They donât have to be in order of importance. Then exchange those cards and see if any of your fantasies match.â
âIf they donât, you at least see what the other person would like to do,â she says. âNow your sexual desires are out on the table and she can decide which ones sheâs willing to try.â This should be fun for her, not scary.
I once had a boyfriend who had a major foot fetish and wanted to fondle my feet. It was annoying because I just wasnât into it. He had to lick my feet every time, and I secretly hated it. (I hate when someone kisses me and I smell âfoot breath.â)
How could he have done it differently? Dr. Cadell says itâs important to keep the other person in mind, even when the fetish is exclusively about you.
âIncorporate something that gives her pleasure into your fetish,â Cadell says. âGo with her and pay for a luxurious pedicure. Then you are participating in the fetish together and it is fun for her too.â
A bigger challenge can be anal sex. Especially since, as you may have heard, itâs not the most comfortable thing in the world for the person on the receiving âback end.â
I met a guy once with an anal fetish and a humongous organ. He mentioned he had an anal sex fetish early on in the relationship.
âDonât you want to try the other side first, you know, to get warmed up?â I asked. âItâs all soft and squishy in there.â
He wasnât interested.
Yet I carried on because I thought he was hot and made out with him. We ended up ripping off each otherâs shirts and fingering each other. Things were going well . . . until he flipped me over and I felt something poke in my back door.
âWhat are you doing?â I asked, stunned.
âIâm trying to have sex with your butt,â he said, with no condom and no lube, like I was going to enjoy that.
This should go without saying, but letâs say it anyway. Even if you think your lady friend is okay with anal sex, that doesnât mean you just shove it in like itâs a surprise bazooka attack.
Instead, show her you know what youâre doing. Learn some sexual technique before you tear us a new a-hole. Bone up on How To Pleasure a Woman, the new program by the editors of Menâs Health, and learn some basic techniques. This avoids us staying up all night afterwards Googling âanal prolapse.â
Full frontal Emily Ratajkowski
Anka Radakovich is a sex columnist, certified sexologist, sex educator, screenwriter, and author of the new book The Wild Girls Club Part 2: Tales from New York to Hollywood. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad