First thing first,
Watch Kim Jong Un Smokes A Joint Before Meeting Trump
While fans couldn’t stop drooling over the glorious shirtless-ness in last year’s Crazy Rich Asians, truly hot, steamy, getting-it-on scenes are coming to the sequels.
“If I had it my way, [it’d be] absolutely [sexier]. You hardly see that chemistry in the media.” screenwriter Adele Lim tells the Women in Film Oscar Party.
Apparently anal sex scene was censored from the movie at the behest of Trump’s Soy Boys. Rumor has it one of their senior but moronic advisor actually thinks this may help avert retaliatory tariff on soybeans by China.
The Terrible Anal-Sex Joke That Got Cut From Crazy Rich Asians
When American cinemagoers turned out to see Crazy Rich Asians, they were treated to all the sumptuous food porn, breathtaking locations, and beautiful gowns that readers of Kevin Kwan’s novel expected. But in all the movie’s changes to the book plot, one stands out as both the most sensible, and the one most sadly missed. I’m talking, of course, about the moment the book’s most intriguing plot thread climaxes with a gag about anal sex.
The setup: Just like in the movie, the imperious Eleanor Young has hired a private detective to look into the background of her son Nick’s American girlfriend, Rachel Chu. What she’s found is a doozy — Rachel’s father isn’t dead; he’s a nogoodnik named Zhou Fang Min, who’s currently in prison in China. How awful! But thankfully, Kwan gives us a deus ex machina in the form of Rachel’s mother, Kerry, whom Nick flies in to save the day. Near the end of the book, Kerry explains to Rachel that, while she was indeed married to the terrible Fang Min, he isn’t the father. The real dad is a kind young man who helped her escape to America.
But something doesn’t add up for Rachel:
“Wait a minute. How did you know for sure he was the father?” Rachel asked, uncrossing her arms and leaning back against the window.
“Trust me Rachel, I just knew.”
“But how? This was back before DNA testing.”
Kerry shifted in her chair awkwardly, searching for the right words to explain. “One of these reasons I had such a hard time getting pregnant was because Fang Min had peculiar habits, Rachel. Because of his drinking, he had trouble getting erect, and when he was excited, he only liked to have a certain type of sex, and I knew I could not get pregnant that way.”
“Oh … ooh,” Rachel said, turning crimson when she realized what her mother meant.
A Google search for “crazy rich asians anal sex” returns only one result related to the book. WTF?
This is wrong. When it comes to literary sex acts, the Crazy Rich Asians butt-stuff twist should be as infamous as It’s child orgy, or the Ben Wa balls of Fifty Shades.
(And to be sure, it is butt stuff. While I suppose it’s technically possible Kerry could be referring to oral sex, Fang Min’s tastes being framed as unusual, rather than lazy and entitled, makes the implication clear.)
Honestly, I didn’t watch the movie. So, I have no idea who are the assfuck wannabe yet don’t really know how to prepare their butts for serious sodomy.
For the uninformed, There Is An App For This Available Exclusively On Apple Appstore (Only).
Next, here is scene depicting iPhone being nomophobically abused,
Rosi 写真 Magazine – Star Anon Abusing iPhone
Update: A reader believes the phone in question could be a Huawei or a Xiaomi. Regardless, it’s still nomophobic.
Perhaps this is what the BDSM scene will look like?
Xiuren Magazine – Meng Huli 孟狐狸
NB: This beauty may share the same family anme ‘Meng’ with Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou, but they’re not related. We fact check with Confucius Institute.
But who knows? The Crazy Rich Asians sequel may just jump right into something like this …