Scene from “The Rob Ford Sex Tape (A Parody)”
Draft script of Rob Ford porn Crackalicious 2
I warned you for weeks. There’s a Rob Ford sex tape out there, somewhere.
I’ve been on my knees, praying I’m wrong.
But now porn star Brandy Aniston, of Vivid Entertainment, has dangled a starring role in our mayor’s face. Rob is “kinda cute, in a big, teddy bear kind of way,” she tells TMZ.
Porn star wants to film with Mayor Rob Ford
That’s just dandy, Brandy. It’ll be the next Deep Throat. As a public service, I’ve written a draft script.
Title: Crackalicious 2.
Scene 1: The living room of a bungalow on Windsor Dr. in Etobicoke. Brandy Aniston lounges on a puffy black leather couch. She wears nothing but an Argos jersey, #69, and nine-inch glass heels. A Bob Marley poster looms on the wall behind her. The doorbell rings. She bounces up and opens the door. (Sound of small airplane overhead.)
Brandy: “Well, hello there, big boy. You come to fix my plumbing?”
(It’s Rob Ford, in a pinstriped suit, NFL tie and a toolbelt jangling about his waist.)
Rob: “You betcha, little lady. You’re my 809th returned call of the day. Man, I’m tired.” (He mops his brow.) “Two hundred potholes, 75 sewage complaints, 101 tax screwups, 420 bylaw beefs, nine weed pickups and a pussycat stuck up a tree. You’re my third plumbing job. Phone never quits.” (More mopping of brow, pulls veal sandwich from jacket pocket.) “I sure picked a bad day to cut down on my eating.”
Brandy. “Poooor baby. What can I get you?”
Rob (brightening): “How ’bout some fried chicken?”
Brandy (winks seductively). “Leg or breast?”
Rob: “Whoa, forget it, little lady. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.”
Brandy: “Whatever you say, sugar. But man cannot live on veal parmesan alone. Anything else I can do?” (She hikes up her jersey.)
Rob (licks his lips, suggestively): “Well, I need a new director of logistics and operations. There’s just so much to do. Damn that Gravy Train. So little time.” (Mops brow again, pulls vodka mickey from other pocket.) “I sure picked a bad day to cut down on my boozing.”
Brandy: “Pinch my bum.” (He obliges.) “There, feel better?”
Rob: “What? That’s a complete and total, 110% lie. I never TOUCHED you.”
Brandy: “Easy, Robbie. No one’s watching.” (Camera pans to police officer peeking in window.)
Rob (stammering.) “OK, I did it. Just once. Maybe. I don’t remember. Drunken stupor. Sorry, sorry, sorry.”
Brandy: “Don’t be sorry, stud, I’m not some party-pooper in sensible shoes. Do it again?” (He does.)
Rob (grinning sheepishly): “First fun I had all day. You shoulda seen budget committee. They’re all against me, especially that sneaky “The New Norm” Kelly. Mammoliti’s all I got left, other than 40% of voters.” (More mopping, pulls joint from pants pocket.) “Jeez. I sure picked a bad day to cut down on my weed.”
Brandy (purring admiringly): “Nice tools you got there, Mr. Mayor.” (She unbuckles his belt, and a couple of shirt buttons, curls a tanned leg around him.)
Rob: “Maybe you could fix it so you’re in a cellphone photo with some of those damn councillors. A couple of them are heavy-duty party animals, you know. Bloody hypocrites. Makes me crazy.” (Mops some more, pulls pipe from shirt pocket.) “I sure picked a bad day to cut down on my crack cocaine.”
Brandy: “I know just what you need, you 330 pounds of fun, you. C’mere.” (They undress. Camera zooms to her dropped jaw, the shock and awe in her eyes.)
Rob (grinning proudly): “Andy Donato was wrong, sugarplum. They took all my powers, but I still got that.”
Scene 2: The bedroom. Another window, another cop. Camera pans to … (assorted improvised physical activity, much too much for a family newspaper. Assorted moaning, groaning, ending with a cry of “subways, subways, SUBWAYS!”
Brandy (close-up, sighing contentedly, smoking cigarette): “Well, you got my vote.”
(Fade to black.)
Peter O’Tool Stars As Rob Ford In Sex Tape Porn Parody
Think getting into the mind of a man like Toronto mayor Rob Ford is tough? Try getting into his body.
That was the challenge of actor Peter O’Tool, who portrays the controversial Toronto mayor in a graphic, not safe for work, sex tape porn parody recently released by Woodrocket.com called: “The Rob Ford Sex Tape (A Parody)”
NSFW, EXPLICIT LANGUAGE BELOW
The sexually explicit tape shows O’Tool as Ford drinking, smoking and telling his female co-star, “I would totally push an old lady out of the way for you” at one moment and “I eat well at home, but sometimes a man’s gotta eat out” at another.
O’Tool, who has previously played the porn versions of Fred Flintstone, Ralph Kramden and John Goodman’s “Big Lebowski” character, said playing a real-life figure like Ford required him to pull something extra out of himself.
“I hadn’t really followed the story, so I downloaded a bunch of news clips,” he told The Huffington Post. “I didn’t really know who he was. Is he even a good mayor?”
O’Tool said there were other challenges as well, mainly sounding both drunk AND Canadian at the same time.
“I didn’t want to slur my words too much so people could hear what I was saying,” he said.
O’Tool isn’t sure how his “per-ford-mance” will be received, but he is hopeful.
“Canadians are horribly decent people with a good sense of humor, so I think they will take it in the spirit intended,” he said.
However, he didn’t go as far with his acting as he might have.
“I never took my clothes off,” he admitted. “I was stunt cocked.”
Still, O’Tool is hoping that the attention being given to the film will provide him the opportunity to do other politically-themed porn.
“I’d love to be Chris Christie or Rush Limbaugh. Hell, I’d do Joe Biden,” he said.
Ironically, Ford chastised city employees earlier this year for watching porn at work.
“Like, do that on your private time, but not during working hours,” he said, according to HuffPost Canada.
Kinky Paris Hilton Wannabe Made A Sextape Just For Rob Ford
Click on pictures to enlarge.