Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez Topless
You gotta be kidding … Noooo!
When the cities of Pompeii (79 A.D.) and Herculaneum were suddenly consumed by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 C.E., many of the buildings were so intimately preserved that modern archaeologists can still read the graffiti scribbled onto their ancient walls.
Graffiti, right? What a symbol of the decadence of modern times. Vandalizing the pristine walls of our cities with crudely drawn filth, for the most part. If only we looked to our precursors, from the days when respect for elders, institutions, and architecture were commonplace. What would we find if we looked to the glory days of, say, the Roman Empire?As it turns out, nostalgia isn’t the best lens through which to look at history. Graffiti is nothing new, and the citizens of the Roman Empire were among the worst offenders we know of. That’s not to say they were actually the worst offenders. We just know more about it. Because one of the most catastrophic natural disasters of the ancient world was a boon to Classicists and historians.
So what was Latin graffiti like? Let’s just say it was colorful. Here are a few examples:
- LUCIUS PINXIT – “Lucius wrote this.” It’s like they saw what tagging would be in 2000 years and decided to out-mundane us.
- APOLLINARIS, MEDICUS TITI IMPERATORIS HIC CACAVIT BENE – “Apollinaris, doctor of Emperor Titus, took a good shit here.”
- VIRGULA TERTIO SU: INDECENS ES. – “Virgula to Teritus: You are a nasty boy.” Saucy.
- SUSPIRIUM PUELLAM CELADUS THRAEX – “Celadus makes the girls moan.”
More Pompeii Graffiti From 79 AD
Mosaic of a satyr and nymph from The House of the Faun, the home of wealthy Pompeian aristocrats.
Here are some more of its finest, or at least well written pieces, and maybe that’s the most important thing of all to show how little we have changed or perhaps ever will.
(Bar of Astylus and Pardalus): Lovers are like bees in that they live a honeyed life
(Bar of Athictus; right of the door): I screwed the barmaid
(House of Caecilius Iucundus): Whoever loves, let him flourish. Let him perish who knows not love. Let him perish twice over whoever forbids love.
(barracks of the Julian-Claudian gladiators; column in the peristyle): Celadus the Thracian gladiator is the delight of all the girls
(vico degli Scienziati): Cruel Lalagus, why do you not love me?
(Wood-Working Shop of Potitus): What a lot of tricks you use to deceive, innkeeper. You sell water but drink unmixed wine
(atrium of a House of the Large Brothel): Blondie has taught me to hate dark-haired girls. I shall hate them, if I can, but I wouldn’t mind loving them. Pompeian Venus Fisica wrote this.
(atrium of the House of Pinarius): If anyone does not believe in Venus, they should gaze at my girl friend
(vicolo del Panattiere, House of the Vibii, Merchants): Atimetus got me pregnant
(vicolo del Panattiere, House of the Vibii, Merchants): Figulus loves Idaia
(Bar of Hedone (or Colepius) on the Street of the Augustales; on the corner toward the lupinare): Hedone says, “You can get a drink here for only one coin. You can drink better wine for two coins. You can drink Falernian for four coins.”
(House of Caprasius Primus): I don’t want to sell my husband, not for all the gold in the world
(Vico d’ Eumachia, small room of a possible brothel): Gaius Valerius Venustus, soldier of the 1st praetorian cohort, in the century of Rufus, screwer of women
(Vico d’ Eumachia, small room of a possible brothel): Vibius Restitutus slept here alone and missed his darling Urbana
(corridor in the theater): Methe, slave of Cominia, from Atella, loves Chrestus. May Pompeian Venus be dear to both of them and may they always live in harmony.
(above a bench outside the Marine Gate): If anyone sits here, let him read this first of all: if anyone wants a screw, he should look for Attice; she costs 4 sestertii.
(in the basilica): No young buck is complete until he has fallen in love
(in the basilica): Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they every have before!
(in the basilica): Let everyone one in love come and see. I want to break Venus’ ribs with clubs and cripple the goddess’ loins. If she can strike through my soft chest, then why can’t I smash her head with a club?
(in the basilica): Phileros is a eunuch!
(in the basilica): If you are able, but not willing, why do you put off our joy and kindle hope and tell me always to come back tomorrow. So, force me to die since you force me to live without you. Your gift will be to stop torturing me. Certainly, hope returns to the lover what it has once snatched away.
(in the basilica): Take hold of your servant girl whenever you want to; it’s your right
(in the basilica): Love dictates to me as I write and Cupid shows me the way, but may I die if god should wish me to go on without you
(House of the Centenary; in the atrium): My lusty son, with how many women have you had sexual relations?
(triclinium of a house): Restitutus has deceived many girls.
Nuceria Necropolis (on a tomb): Greetings to Primigenia of Nuceria. I would wish to become a signet ring for no more than an hour, so that I might give you kisses dispatched with your signature.
Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths): Two friends were here. While they were, they had bad service in every way from a guy named Epaphroditus. They threw him out and spent 105 and half sestertii most agreeably on whores.
Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths): Apelles Mus and his brother Dexter each pleasurably had sex with two girls twice.
gnudarve: The walls of Pompei were the original internet.
Destroyer_Wes: > The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
samurai_for_hire: >I screwed the barmaid
Send this man a denarius for his accomplishment!
Roman are a naughty lot, aren’t they?
discountErasmus: This is the best:
> Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!
KJatWork: To the one defecating here. Beware of the curse. If you look down on this curse, may you have an angry Jupiter for an enemy.
These guys were intense.
arnoldnoddington1: there’s lots of dicks too. sorry “phallic representations”
fingerpaintswithpoop: >Let everyone one in love come and see. I want to break Venus’ ribs with clubs and cripple the goddess’ loins. If she can strike through my soft chest, then why can’t I smash her head with a club?
God damn, who hurt this guy?
Vipsanius_Agrippa: >Apelles Mus and his brother Dexter each pleasurably had sex with two girls twice.
Why can’t modern day graffiti be this funny?
tritium_awesome: The walls of Roman cities were the Twitter of their day.
MotivatedOsrs: > VII.12.18-20 (the Lupinare); 2175: I screwed a lot of girls here.
My favourite one by far.
Ben_Thar: A lot of buggering and defecating happening in Pompeii.
VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1820: Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they ever have before!
> I.2.23 (peristyle of the Tavern of Verecundus); 3951: Restitutus says: “Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates”.
> II.7 (gladiator barracks); 8767: Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.
Also, what’s the female version of a Chad, because this is her
> VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1881: Virgula to her friend Tertius: you are disgusting!
summerset: “Lesbianus, you defecate and you write, ‘Hello, everyone!’”
I was going to name my firstborn Lesbianus.
atheitarian: For a good time call IX V III – III V IV II
Grhmhome: Whoever loves, let him flourish. Let him perish who knows not love. Let him perish twice over whoever forbids love.
pattyfritters: There’s one that just says:
“I have buggard men.”
That would be butt stuff.
joerobo: Why would you pick these quotes when there are so many vastly better ones to choose from? For example-
II.7 (gladiator barracks); 8767: ‘Floronius, pivileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.’
Herculaneum (bar/inn joined to the maritime baths); 10675: ‘Two friends were here. While they were, they had bad service in every way from a guy named Epaphroditus. They threw him out and spent 105 and half sestertii most agreeably on whores.’
iamnotchad: >III.5.3 (on the wall in the street); 8898: Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog
Words still relevant to this day.
zacht180: Smooth. As. Fuck.
Seeker_Of_Storms: Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, defecated well here
PotentialNinja: >IX.8.3 (House of the Centenary; in the latrine near the front door); 5243: “Secundus defecated here” three time on one wall.
AStrangerWCandy: So I was just at the Pompei ruins and there was legit an ancient giant dick carving on a stick figure
bored_designer: Just got back from Pompeii. Lots of cool shit like this including the first “beware of dog” welcome mat (except it’s mosaic tile on the front door) and stone dicks in the ground that point towards the red light district. They couldn’t use any written language to direct people to the sex houses because the city was full of travelers and traders that spoke many different languages but everyone understands a penis pointing towards the sounds of sex noises.
RidiculouslyUnfunny: Also “Fuck EA”
Victoria Abril (blowjob) in X-Femmes