Bianca Gascoigne flashing her sweet pussy
Anyone woman has embarked on a first-time hookup with a man knows the following: it can be terrible, just OK, or great, but itâs highly unlikely you will get off. Is this a fixed truth of casual sex, or is there something we can do to change it?
Milla Jovovich
That is, in part, the argument Alana Massey presents in a Guardian essay in defense of âsex blahsitivity.â It rhymes with sex positivity; only it promotes a womanâs right to not be that into sex, because sex, particularly casual sex, is often not worth the trouble. Massey writes that while we mistakenly believed that sexual inequality was resolved by the Pill, feminism, and the sexual revolution, that simply isnât the case. For one, sex will never not be potentially dangerous for women, but also, sex with men often just isnât that good.
Adèle Exarchopoulos
Suzanna Hamilton
âToo often, sex positivity feels rooted in a feminism that secretly wants boys to like it,â she writes. âIt wants to be cool.â Being cool with sex is great, but if we havenât âdecentralized menâs orgasms as the ultimate purpose of sex between a man and a woman,â then where does that leave us? Frustrated. We donât teach men how to prioritize a womanâs pleasure. We donât provide realistic anatomy charts. And, Massey writes:
The kicker? It is more emotionally laborious for a lot of women to explain why they donât want to have mediocre sex than to simply have the mediocre sex. Itâs just that the sex does approximately as much for us as making a cupping motion over our elbow over and over again. It doesnât hurt, but why would we?
In part, I would argue itâs the nature of the act itself that works against women. Casual sex is often defined by the start and finish of a boner, but itâs also synonymous with instant gratification, sexually speakingâyou donât want to do the work of a relationship with this person, you just want to put your bodies together and feel good as a result. The feeling-good part wonât necessarily happen for the woman, though, because a hookup is, by design, somewhat impersonal; thereâs not a lot of communication, and not a lot of effort.
So men tend to fuck until they orgasm, and women tend to fuck until men orgasm, too. Certainly a man can try to get a woman off first, or continue to try to get the woman off after heâs finished (less thrilling from his perspective I would imagine), but more often than not, that requires effort that sometimes feels counter to the free-spirited, impassioned, lust-driven charge of sex that âjust happens.â
Here is where contrarians will argue that itâs on women to âsay what they wantâ and the comments on Masseyâs piece, which go hundreds deep, are littered with such protests. But this puts the impetus entirely on women to solve their own pleasure. There are so many factors involved in getting a person off, and for women, those factors are much more complex. Often, inexperienced lovers donât even know what will reliably get them off, and therefore cannot communicate it explicitly all the way to orgasm. A womanâs body needs to be learned, and that necessitates an attentiveness that seems at odds with the very casualness of casual sex.
This is why so many women define relationship sex as the best sex theyâve had, and thatâs not just because it involves being in love. Itâs more often because only in more serious relationships do they feel more comfortable, and do men seem motivated in investing more effort in getting them off.
Kate UptonÂ
But weâve written about women who are totally fine with casual hookups not resulting in orgasm, simply because itâs too much work, and, hey, thatâs not always the best part about fucking, anyway. As Karly Sciortino wrote at Vogue:
But ultimately, being intimate with a relative stranger can be fun, freeing, and empowering, whether you come or not. And often, just rolling around naked is the most fun and most intimate part of sex. Taking a step back to remember this would be beneficial for both sexes, but especially for men, who often seem to be humping robotically toward the finish line.
Eva Mendes
Given all this, it seems that when it comes to reaping the benefits of all this no-strings sex out there, women are stuck between a rock and a hard place that never results in their orgasm. That, at best, we have to lower our standards and focus on how nice everything but the orgasm feels, because we are shit out of luck regardless. Massey argues that so long as we âtell women to have sex with as many partners as they like, but then donât vigorously encourage those partners to be any good at sex,â women have the right to be meh about sex.
But is it possible to reframe the idea of casual sex as the ultimate work of creating pleasure for both people? What does it look like when a man makes getting a woman off his mission?
I asked a male friend in his twenties who is sexually active and says he cares deeply about making sure the women heâs with have orgasms. He told me that in casual situations or first time hookups, that he does everything he can to make sure his partners get off, but that even after doing everything, that it almost never happens the first time. âItâs like riding a new bicycle,â he said. For whatever reason, the orgasms come later, after comfort and experience build up.
Anne HathawayÂ
We know from studies that only a quarter of women are able to have vaginal orgasms. That the other 75 percent orgasm with a vibrator, their fingers, someoneâs tongue, an iPhone alarm set to go off constantly, whatever it takes. Some research says 11 percent of women donât orgasm at all. But the majority of women need beyond-dick assistance.
Of course, this is where we have to mention faking it, an unfortunate practice that isnât helping anyone. Media depictions arenât helping either, which make orgasms look so easy. In Heather Rudolph Woodâs 2014 piece at Cosmo looking at the âOrgasm Deficit,â she notes:
…looking at media and entertainment, youâd never guess women arenât having orgasms â or that this is an actual problem. Women are spontaneously climaxing on talk shows. On cable TV, orgasms seem to be effortless even under the most ridiculous circumstances. For example, the first time Brody and Carrie have sex on Homeland â in a cramped car in the parking lot of an AA meeting â they both come. And advertising has been making women seemingly climax in ridiculous scenarios for years. A girl hasnât been able to eat a hamburger in a Carlâs Jr. ad since 2005 without looking like sheâs having an orgasm.
This is before you factor in porn, which Queen says just makes things worse. While some porn is produced as sex ed, most porn âleaves out significant parts of the sexual response cycle and arousal process,â she says. âItâs also a performance medium, which may mean people act out arousal and orgasm instead of experiencing and naturally depicting it. Itâs like learning about love from a romantic comedy, and of course some of us do that too.â
We may learn sex and love from fake places, but we act it out in the real world, where casual sex is a thing weâd like to do sometimes, where orgasms are a thing nearly everyone likes to do, and where most of us agree that itâs high time women started getting them.
So now what?
Like everything that involves giving women pleasure or true equalityâthe wage gap, the domestic labor gapâwe need men to pick up the slack. And hey, who knows; maybe this Hawaiian mushroom that allegedly makes women orgasm just from smelling it is the future. The bad news? The mushroom apparently âsmells like week-old horse shit to men.â Looks like weâre still on our own.
Candice Swanepoel Tits