Kathleen Robertson – Boss
20 Lies from Porn That Everyone Has Fallen For
12 Lies Porn Is Telling You About Lesbians
No one ever gets hair stuck in their mouths.
First of all, newsflash: there is no such thing as “lesbian sex.” There’s sex, and it comes in many varieties, regardless of the anatomy involved. Sometimes sex includes toys, sometimes it includes a penis (or two or three), sometimes there are hands or whips or boobs or tongues or face masks of the president. Who are we to judge what gets you going?! What we are talking about here aren’t so much outright lies, but rather the many (many, many, many) “girl-on-girl” scenes in mainstream pornography that aren’t representing the whole lesbian sex pie.
P.S. We cannot apologize enough for saying lesbian sex pie.
1. Long. Fingernails.
A multitude of “girl-on-girl” porn scenes feature very long (and often REMOVABLE) fingernails. *clears throat* Do you know the potential for ripping and tearing and germ babies that go along with said fingernails?! Your nail art might as well say “UTI” in all caps. If you’ve got long fingernails and you’re planning on putting them inside of another human, get yourself some latex gloves. That will keep everyone clean, unscathed, and if you lose a fingernail while thrusting IT WON’T BE LEFT INSIDE SOMEONE’S UNSUSPECTING VAGINA.
2. We only use our tongues.
We’re not trying to tell you that no one likes to be bathed with another human’s tongue. We all have our things. However, we would be remiss to not at least mention the fact that being a lesbian doesn’t mean you are always using your tongue to lick every inch of another person’s body. Some of us prefer to bathe using water, and use our tongues a bit more selectively.
3. Scissoring.
Almost every conversation had between lesbians regarding scissoring begins with, “Wait, do people really scissor?” and ends with, “So, but, does anyone actually scissor, though?!” Whether urban myth or rare mystical gem, scissoring is certainly not a staple of “girl-on-girl” action. If it is employed, you’d better believe there’d be a lot more laughing as I try to figure out the physics of getting my vagina on yours without kicking you in the face.
4. We all have Blake Lively hair.
Excuse us, but “girl-on-girl” sex does not always feature two long-haired lesbians. It sure as hell can, but there’s a whole plethora of lesbians having hot-as-hell sex who have short hair, no hair, pink hair, blue hair, spikey hair, braided hair, and Donald Trump hair. Maybe not as many with Donald Trump hair, but you understand our point.
5. We have perfectly pink vaginas.
Yes, yes, we know that there are lots of people whose vaginas are shaven clean and whose buttholes sparkle in the light of the sun. That sure as hell isn’t all of us, though, and seeing some variety in genitalia would be a much more accurate (not to mention empowering!) portrayal of any kind of sex. Here are some vaginas that you sure-as-hell don’t see in most porn (and that were recently censored on a cover of a student magazine in Sydney!). Yeah, yeah, NSFW, but MAYBE THAT’S THE PROBLEM.
Amanda Cerny. Famous Viner Girl
6. There’s so, so much moaning.
What is it with the constant moaning that happens in porn? Is that just in case you don’t want the visual and are just going for the audio? We are total fans of making your happiness vocal, but GIRL I’M NOT EVEN TOUCHING YOU I JUST WENT TO GO GET A SNACK AND YOU ARE STILL MOANING IN THE OTHER ROOM. (P.S. How is anyone supposed to know when they are doing the right thing if you’re moaning while I’m eating Oreos? You want me to keep eating Oreos? Fine, then.)
7. We never look at each other while doin’ it.
Why is no one looking at anyone, ever?! Here’s the deal… if you never look at me, there is a high probability that you are going to have your face dramatically hand-cupped, and hear such phrases as, “Where are you right now?” and “What are you thinking?” Then we’ll fight because maybe you were actually looking away to think about your ex-girlfriend. Then one of us will cry and we’ll hold each other and slow kiss and then start to touch each other.
8. We’re doing it for YOU.
You know “us lesbians”… always hamming for that camera while we do the sex. *eye roll* Even if we were filming our sexy moves, it probably wouldn’t be for an imaginary straight dude. (News alert: most porn that includes “girl-on-girl” is made for a stereotype of the straight dude.) Just so we are CLEAR, lots of lesbians have lots of sex for themselvesβ¦ and for themselves alone. After the “scene” wraps we are probably going to get up, dust ourselves off, floss our teeth, and have a discussion about Rachel Maddow, completely satisfied. Which means, dearest imaginary straight dude, we won’t need to jump through the camera lens to ask you for further servicing.
9. We always have sex with our shoes on.
Do what you like, sureβ¦ but there are a whole lotta lesbians that will probably be wearing socks and a t-shirt while bonin’ you rather than a high-leg lace bodysuit and heels. Oh, and that no-clothes-except-the-socks look? It’s a stunning display. We can vouch.
10. Our bodies NEVER suction together.
Sex sounds like fart noises 80 percent of the time. Where are thosemoments?!
11. We never get hair stuck in our mouths.
As previously mentioned, there is long hair for dayyyys in most porn and no one is ever accidentally making out with hair?! False. 21 percent of sexual time is spent moving hair out of mouths, and only about 4 percent of the time is it sort of sexy. Did we mention we are scientists with facts and figures?*
12. We all have tiny, tight, thin, tan bodies and have sex with people who have tiny, tight, thin, tan bodies.
Having sex with any “type” of body, regardless of gender, ability, size, shape, color, or anything else is not abnormal, weird, or different. It’s. Having. Sex. It’s having sex with someone who turns you on because you find their body (or their person or their mind or whatever gets you going) hot-as-hell. It would be just great to see mainstream porn, “girl-on-girl,” and all else, incorporating all bodies, all of the time.