Weakly Scandalous Quotes – THE CONGRESS

Jun 052011

Presenting what he called a revolutionary plan to slash the nation’s mountain of debt, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) today proposed eliminating the Social Security program in its entirety and replacing it with Groupons.

(Andy Borowitz)

Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) eulogized the late Dr. Jack Kevorkian today, vowing to honor his legacy by continuing his good work. “Dr. Kevorkian tried to ease the transition of seniors into the great beyond. Here in Congress, we have the obligation to continue his work on a grander scale.” Rep. Ryan said that his new budget plan would replace Medicare with a system of so-called ‘Kevouchers’ that could be redeemed for cyanide pills, nooses and bullets.

(Andy Borowitz)

The Senate’s top watchdog on government waste, Sen. Tom Coburn, released a report blasting over $3 billion in questionable projects funded by the National Science Foundation. They include the creation of a robot that can fold laundry; a study of event ticket prices on Stubhub.com; and a study of how well sick shrimp hold up when running on a tiny treadmill. Most of these are stupid, but America’s housewives would gladly trade NASA for that robot that folds laundry.

(Reeder & Ainsworth)

U.S. Congressman Barney Frank admitted Thursday he helped a boyfriend land a job at the government lender Fannie Mae in Washington D.C. It gets more sordid. It turns out that the Greek statues standing in front of the bank are male strippers that Barney met at Chippendale’s.
(Argus Hamilton)

By the way, this week is Pussy Week.